Australia Down-Under!

It is not often that you get to see Australia getting thrashed the way they were a couple of weeks back. And when something like that happens, we need to take the most out of it!

Here is a piece of an imaginative interview in one of our famous news channels. Hope you enjoy it!

And it goes without saying.... Whatever is written here is purely imaginary, and any reference to any person in the real life is due to pure co-incidence!!!


Location: Studios of Headlines Yesterday

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thanks for tuning into Headlines Yesterday. Indians have convincingly won the Fodder – Guavascar Trophy and an entire nation is rejoicing over the victory. Today in our studios we have, as our guests, the captain of the Australian team Dicky Ponting joined by his former team mate and wicket keeper Badam Gilchrist. And later in the show, we would get up close with the Chief Aussie tormentor Darbhajan Singh! Well first up Dicky and Badam….

Interviewer: Welcome to our studios gentlemen.

Silence for a few seconds…

Badam (Unsure… Whispers to Dicky): I think he is referring only to us as gentlemen…

Dicky (suddenly realizing): Oh! Thanks mate.

Interviewer: Dicky what do you think was significantly different in this series as compared to the tour down under earlier this year?

Dicky: Well to start with, a lot of things have changed. Umpiring standards have plummeted drastically. Umpires did not have the courtesy to ask me before declaring batsmen out. This is simply ridiculous. Moreover, I think, ICC has scrapped the one-pitch catch rule for us, which actually worked to our disadvantage. Adding to this, we are generally allowed 15 wickets in an innings where the umpire has to necessarily declare decisions in our favour when we are batting. All in all, I feel the series was not played in the right spirit by the Indians!

Interviewer: That’s interesting. So do you think this is the end of Australian dominance in international cricket?

Dicky: Actually, there were some senior players who accosted me during the series in Australia, asking me to drop charges over Darbhajan. But I never agreed to that.

Interviewer: Er… Okay!!!.... But do you think Australia is no more dominant in the test cricket arena?

Dicky: We are extremely hurt by the Monkey comments made by Darbhajhan and it took a lot from the team to get over it.

Interviewer: Er… What is this Dicky? You don’t seem to be answering my question…

Dicky: We have got clear instructions from Cricket Australia to talk about the monkey gate scandal whenever we are faced with questions which we are unable to answer!

Interviewer: Oh… Okay! Now I get it. But then Badam, I think it is a good time to ask you this question. Why do you guys keep repeating the “Monkey” saga even though the Indians have seemingly moved ahead of it?

Badam: Well mate… There is logic to why we keep repeating it. Our playing days are over and we are well past our prime. We are now history… and as you know, history repeats itself!

Interviewer: But you kind of lost lot of your fans by making such slanderous remarks against Sachin, who is an icon in world cricket for his integrity.

Badam: Mate… Who cares about losing fans? Wait till my book sells. I will replace all my fans with air-conditioners!

Interviewer: That’s a nice answer Badam! As Dicky pointed out, do you think umpiring standards were poor in this series?

Badam: Yeah mate. I think Dicky was spot on there. Especially Dhar, he was pathetic. I think ICC should Ban Dhar….

Dicky: Hey… Did you just say Ban-dhar… as in bandhar???

Dicky (suddenly realizing, Badam was one among them): Oh as in Ban umpire Dhar!!! You are right mate. I can’t agree more with you!

Interviewer: Well Dicky, it is a widespread opinion that Australians are arrogant and win matches by abusing their opponents. Is that true?

Dicky: Who the f*ck said that? We never abuse anyone. Show me the son of a b*tch who says such stupid things. I will blow his head off his f*cking body. We never abuse people. Let me get my hands on this c*nt licking face. Mate, I want you see the matches properly and then talk. If you see any match through out the series, it has been the Indians who are the first to abuse back!!! Tell me who spreads such opinion, I will take his b*lls out and give it in his hands. We are not arrogant and we don’t have the culture of abusing anyone. Do you get that right?

Interviewer: Er.. Dicky. It’s okay, calm down. Shanti Shanti Shanti!

Dicky (almost falling off his chair): Mate… Did you just mention Ishant Ishant Ishant??? Please don’t call him. I am sorry if I have spoken anything wrong!

Interviewer: Well Dicky, let me ask you this. You don’t seem to know how to play Ishant and Darbhajan even now. Every time they get the better of you. Why is that so?

Dicky: Well mate… We are extremely hurt by the Monkey comments made by Darbhajan and we had a tough time…

Interviewer (Quickly interrupting in between): Okay Okay Dicky… I get it, I get it! Dicky, if senior players of the Indian camp approached you and warned you to drop the charges, why didn’t you tell this in front of the panel and the Judge who were in-charge of the hearing? What you are saying really sounds strange!

Dicky: aah… Well… er….I mean… ahem…. Well I thought it was a friendly warning!!! And moreover, I strongly believe that whatever happens between the players should stay only between the players… (As long as we win, of course!)

Interviewer: Well thanks Dicky and Badam for your time. Hope you get a good reception back home.

Dicky: Thanks mate! The pressure…er I mean… the pleasure is mine!

Interviewer: That was Australian Captain Dicky Ponting and his former team mate Badam Gilchrist for you viewers. And as promised, we will now catch up with the Indian spin spearhead Darbhajan Singh.

Welcome to our studios Bhajji

Darbhajan: Thank you.

Interviewer: Well Bhajji, we have spoken enough about cricket. So let us speak about you and get to know Darbhajan as a person.

After a slappy….er.. sorry., sloppy performance in the IPL, what made you bounce back with such a form?

Darbhajan: After getting banned from the IPL, I was so low that I thought of shopping my way out of my depression. That was when I came across something in a shop that changed my entire outlook towards the game. I saw the statue of three monkeys each one with its eyes, ears and mouth closed respectively. I thought it was time for me to tone down myself and start concentrating on the game. And the results were for everyone to see.

Interviewer: Okay Bhajji… What are your favourite movies?

Darbhajan: Dunston Checks In, Monkey Shines & Godzilla!

Interviewer: Nice… do you watch TV? If yes, what in particular?

Darbhajan: Yeah, I do watch TV a lot. I like all historic serials. I never miss watching Jai Hanuman. It gives me immense internal strength.

Interviewer: Oh… what do you have to say about the Australian allegations of a senior player warning the captain to drop charges against you down under?

Darbhajan: I can clearly see whom they are referring to… Let me tell you one thing, the guy they are referring to is an epitome of professionalism and a very good person at heart. In essence, where there is Sach-in, it surely implies that Jhoot is out!

Interviewer: Good one Bhajji. You are known to be a close friend of one of the greatest batsmen of India. Do you interact a lot with his family?

Darbhajan: Yeah. I like his family a lot. His wife is very friendly and their kids are really wonderful.

Interviewer: Oh is that so… How do you call his son?

Darbhajan: Anjali Putra!

Interviewer: That’s very nice. What is your favourite holiday destination?

Darbhajan: (Bajrang) Bali, Indonesia!

Interviewer: Bhajji you seem to have become vary famous through various dance shows. Don’t you think you might get into some controversy because of it?

Darbhajan: As long as it is in Zee TV and not (chimpan)Zee TV, I think there is no place for any controversy!

Interviewer: What makes you play so well in Australia?

Darbhajan: That place has a natural khush-BOO and if you don’t play there people attach a ta-BOO

Interviewer: What do you think about Gautam Dhumbeer’s tiff with Shane Potson?

Somehow I feel Gauti always fails to deliver the knock out punch!

Interviewer: Coming to the romantic side of Bhajji… What would be the most romantic gift that you would like to give your loved one?

Darbhajan: A symond necklace… er.. I mean… A diamond necklace!!!

Interviewer: That’s sweet. Thank you so much Bhajji for taking time off and talking to us.

Dear Viewers, hope you have enjoyed this show. Look forward to have your company again. Till then, see you and take care.

The Crazy Meltdown!

Banking and financial services industry is really crazy. Analysts say that there is a serious melt down, yet claim that there is a liquidity crunch. This is impossible, because basic science indicate that when something MELTs down, it leads to liquidity! With eye-banking becoming more lucrative than i-banking, life for an average American has become easy! Their investment decisions have been simplified with very few banks left in the marketplace. The aftermath of Heman Brothers and Mamu (names changed on no specific request) is visibly felt by the other banks which are “cat on the wall(street)” cases! Accountants are finding it extremely easy to draw the P&L statements for these banks. On one side there is financial aid from Govt and on the other side there is bad Debt!

The story we are talking here is credibility, or rather the lack of it. I mean, it is an “in-credible” story! It all started with the sub-prime lending issue. Let me tell you how sub-prime lending leads to bankruptcy. Well to begin with, anything which is sub-PRIME is not composite and COMPOSITE is manure, therefore anything sub-prime is not MANURE. Anything which has no manure is not fertile. Anything which is not FERTILE is not amenable for growth. Where there is no GROWTH there is no opportunity. Lack of OPPORTUNITY implies lack of cash inflow. When you give away loans and don’t have subsequent cash inflow, you will be broke! You don’t need to be an Amartya Sen to figure this out. Even Riya Sen, Raima Sen or Konkana Sen will be able to tell this. (Now I understand why in America they call it a SENate!)

Reports say that, at one point in time people were given loans to repay their loans! Think about it, banks giving loans under the guarantee that individuals will be given loans to repay their loans. Interestingly, the banks which give them this loan to repay their loans, think that there will be some other bank which will give the individual a loan to repay this loan which was given to repay their initial loan! This becomes a vicious cycle and finally the CEOs of the banks are now going in a cycle (instead of their Mercs)! The way US banks operated was in summary encapsulated by this statement of a CEO who, in one of the interviews when he came to India, said that his favourite Indian destination was “Lo(a)navala”! Can you beat that???

The US senate has approved a $ 700 bn “bail out” package to reform the situation. Interestingly after the bail-out package was announced, the Indian markets have seen a continuous fall. I was thinking very hard why this happened, and I got an answer today. Let me explain how.
The US senate has named the reform as “Bail-out” plan. India’s national language is Hindi, and in Hindi “Bail” means “Bull” (as in “Bail Gadi” which means bullock cart”). Everyone wants the bears to disappear from the market and the Bulls to come in. But unfortunately, this package is called “Bail-OUT”! So people thought that the Bulls will go out and the bears will rule… The package was named in direct contrast to the market sentiments. That’s why I am weary of the Republicans. They have someone called “Sarah Palin”, they could have very well named the reform in similar line, something like “Sarah Bail-in”, which in Hindi would have translated to “All the bulls in”! This would have taken the sensex skyward!

Whatever, the financial meltdown has frozen the economies of many countries! Financial experts in India say that we are well “Insulated”. I would kind of believe them. The logic being credit / debit cards have replaced paper money. Since cards are made of plastic and plastic is an insulator, our economy must be definitely well insulated! So guys… do not worry about the IS-LM curves! Invest as much as you want. NDTV profit says that a long term investor has no reasons to worry. But how short a “long term” is something that no one explains clearly to me. In the very long run, the survival rate of everyone drops to Zero! Short term & long term is relative. Therefore live life at your own terms! Get your salaries, spend it all and enjoy life happily. All you single people out there, if you don’t know how to spend your salary then it is about time you get married!