It is not often that you get to see Australia getting thrashed the way they were a couple of weeks back. And when something like that happens, we need to take the most out of it!
Here is a piece of an imaginative interview in one of our famous news channels. Hope you enjoy it!
And it goes without saying.... Whatever is written here is purely imaginary, and any reference to any person in the real life is due to pure co-incidence!!!
Location: Studios of Headlines Yesterday
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,
Thanks for tuning into Headlines Yesterday. Indians have convincingly won the Fodder – Guavascar Trophy and an entire nation is rejoicing over the victory. Today in our studios we have, as our guests, the captain of the Australian team Dicky Ponting joined by his former team mate and wicket keeper Badam Gilchrist. And later in the show, we would get up close with the Chief Aussie tormentor Darbhajan Singh! Well first up Dicky and Badam….
Interviewer: Welcome to our studios gentlemen.
Silence for a few seconds…
Badam (Unsure… Whispers to Dicky): I think he is referring only to us as gentlemen…
Dicky (suddenly realizing): Oh! Thanks mate.
Interviewer: Dicky what do you think was significantly different in this series as compared to the tour down under earlier this year?
Dicky: Well to start with, a lot of things have changed. Umpiring standards have plummeted drastically. Umpires did not have the courtesy to ask me before declaring batsmen out. This is simply ridiculous. Moreover, I think, ICC has scrapped the one-pitch catch rule for us, which actually worked to our disadvantage. Adding to this, we are generally allowed 15 wickets in an innings where the umpire has to necessarily declare decisions in our favour when we are batting. All in all, I feel the series was not played in the right spirit by the Indians!
Interviewer: That’s interesting. So do you think this is the end of Australian dominance in international cricket?
Dicky: Actually, there were some senior players who accosted me during the series in Australia, asking me to drop charges over Darbhajan. But I never agreed to that.
Interviewer: Er… Okay!!!.... But do you think Australia is no more dominant in the test cricket arena?
Dicky: We are extremely hurt by the Monkey comments made by Darbhajhan and it took a lot from the team to get over it.
Interviewer: Er… What is this Dicky? You don’t seem to be answering my question…
Dicky: We have got clear instructions from Cricket Australia to talk about the monkey gate scandal whenever we are faced with questions which we are unable to answer!
Interviewer: Oh… Okay! Now I get it. But then Badam, I think it is a good time to ask you this question. Why do you guys keep repeating the “Monkey” saga even though the Indians have seemingly moved ahead of it?
Badam: Well mate… There is logic to why we keep repeating it. Our playing days are over and we are well past our prime. We are now history… and as you know, history repeats itself!
Interviewer: But you kind of lost lot of your fans by making such slanderous remarks against Sachin, who is an icon in world cricket for his integrity.
Badam: Mate… Who cares about losing fans? Wait till my book sells. I will replace all my fans with air-conditioners!
Interviewer: That’s a nice answer Badam! As Dicky pointed out, do you think umpiring standards were poor in this series?
Badam: Yeah mate. I think Dicky was spot on there. Especially Dhar, he was pathetic. I think ICC should Ban Dhar….
Dicky: Hey… Did you just say Ban-dhar… as in bandhar???
Dicky (suddenly realizing, Badam was one among them): Oh as in Ban umpire Dhar!!! You are right mate. I can’t agree more with you!
Interviewer: Well Dicky, it is a widespread opinion that Australians are arrogant and win matches by abusing their opponents. Is that true?
Dicky: Who the f*ck said that? We never abuse anyone. Show me the son of a b*tch who says such stupid things. I will blow his head off his f*cking body. We never abuse people. Let me get my hands on this c*nt licking face. Mate, I want you see the matches properly and then talk. If you see any match through out the series, it has been the Indians who are the first to abuse back!!! Tell me who spreads such opinion, I will take his b*lls out and give it in his hands. We are not arrogant and we don’t have the culture of abusing anyone. Do you get that right?
Interviewer: Er.. Dicky. It’s okay, calm down. Shanti Shanti Shanti!
Dicky (almost falling off his chair): Mate… Did you just mention Ishant Ishant Ishant??? Please don’t call him. I am sorry if I have spoken anything wrong!
Interviewer: Well Dicky, let me ask you this. You don’t seem to know how to play Ishant and Darbhajan even now. Every time they get the better of you. Why is that so?
Dicky: Well mate… We are extremely hurt by the Monkey comments made by Darbhajan and we had a tough time…
Interviewer (Quickly interrupting in between): Okay Okay Dicky… I get it, I get it! Dicky, if senior players of the Indian camp approached you and warned you to drop the charges, why didn’t you tell this in front of the panel and the Judge who were in-charge of the hearing? What you are saying really sounds strange!
Dicky: aah… Well… er….I mean… ahem…. Well I thought it was a friendly warning!!! And moreover, I strongly believe that whatever happens between the players should stay only between the players… (As long as we win, of course!)
Interviewer: Well thanks Dicky and Badam for your time. Hope you get a good reception back home.
Dicky: Thanks mate! The pressure…er I mean… the pleasure is mine!
Interviewer: That was Australian Captain Dicky Ponting and his former team mate Badam Gilchrist for you viewers. And as promised, we will now catch up with the Indian spin spearhead Darbhajan Singh.
Welcome to our studios Bhajji
Darbhajan: Thank you.
Interviewer: Well Bhajji, we have spoken enough about cricket. So let us speak about you and get to know Darbhajan as a person.
After a slappy….er.. sorry., sloppy performance in the IPL, what made you bounce back with such a form?
Darbhajan: After getting banned from the IPL, I was so low that I thought of shopping my way out of my depression. That was when I came across something in a shop that changed my entire outlook towards the game. I saw the statue of three monkeys each one with its eyes, ears and mouth closed respectively. I thought it was time for me to tone down myself and start concentrating on the game. And the results were for everyone to see.
Interviewer: Okay Bhajji… What are your favourite movies?
Darbhajan: Dunston Checks In, Monkey Shines & Godzilla!
Interviewer: Nice… do you watch TV? If yes, what in particular?
Darbhajan: Yeah, I do watch TV a lot. I like all historic serials. I never miss watching Jai Hanuman. It gives me immense internal strength.
Interviewer: Oh… what do you have to say about the Australian allegations of a senior player warning the captain to drop charges against you down under?
Darbhajan: I can clearly see whom they are referring to… Let me tell you one thing, the guy they are referring to is an epitome of professionalism and a very good person at heart. In essence, where there is Sach-in, it surely implies that Jhoot is out!
Interviewer: Good one Bhajji. You are known to be a close friend of one of the greatest batsmen of India. Do you interact a lot with his family?
Darbhajan: Yeah. I like his family a lot. His wife is very friendly and their kids are really wonderful.
Interviewer: Oh is that so… How do you call his son?
Darbhajan: Anjali Putra!
Interviewer: That’s very nice. What is your favourite holiday destination?
Darbhajan: (Bajrang) Bali, Indonesia!
Interviewer: Bhajji you seem to have become vary famous through various dance shows. Don’t you think you might get into some controversy because of it?
Darbhajan: As long as it is in Zee TV and not (chimpan)Zee TV, I think there is no place for any controversy!
Interviewer: What makes you play so well in Australia?
Darbhajan: That place has a natural khush-BOO and if you don’t play there people attach a ta-BOO
Interviewer: What do you think about Gautam Dhumbeer’s tiff with Shane Potson?
Somehow I feel Gauti always fails to deliver the knock out punch!
Interviewer: Coming to the romantic side of Bhajji… What would be the most romantic gift that you would like to give your loved one?
Darbhajan: A symond necklace… er.. I mean… A diamond necklace!!!
Interviewer: That’s sweet. Thank you so much Bhajji for taking time off and talking to us.
Dear Viewers, hope you have enjoyed this show. Look forward to have your company again. Till then, see you and take care.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Crazy Meltdown!
Banking and financial services industry is really crazy. Analysts say that there is a serious melt down, yet claim that there is a liquidity crunch. This is impossible, because basic science indicate that when something MELTs down, it leads to liquidity! With eye-banking becoming more lucrative than i-banking, life for an average American has become easy! Their investment decisions have been simplified with very few banks left in the marketplace. The aftermath of Heman Brothers and Mamu (names changed on no specific request) is visibly felt by the other banks which are “cat on the wall(street)” cases! Accountants are finding it extremely easy to draw the P&L statements for these banks. On one side there is financial aid from Govt and on the other side there is bad Debt!
The story we are talking here is credibility, or rather the lack of it. I mean, it is an “in-credible” story! It all started with the sub-prime lending issue. Let me tell you how sub-prime lending leads to bankruptcy. Well to begin with, anything which is sub-PRIME is not composite and COMPOSITE is manure, therefore anything sub-prime is not MANURE. Anything which has no manure is not fertile. Anything which is not FERTILE is not amenable for growth. Where there is no GROWTH there is no opportunity. Lack of OPPORTUNITY implies lack of cash inflow. When you give away loans and don’t have subsequent cash inflow, you will be broke! You don’t need to be an Amartya Sen to figure this out. Even Riya Sen, Raima Sen or Konkana Sen will be able to tell this. (Now I understand why in America they call it a SENate!)
Reports say that, at one point in time people were given loans to repay their loans! Think about it, banks giving loans under the guarantee that individuals will be given loans to repay their loans. Interestingly, the banks which give them this loan to repay their loans, think that there will be some other bank which will give the individual a loan to repay this loan which was given to repay their initial loan! This becomes a vicious cycle and finally the CEOs of the banks are now going in a cycle (instead of their Mercs)! The way US banks operated was in summary encapsulated by this statement of a CEO who, in one of the interviews when he came to India, said that his favourite Indian destination was “Lo(a)navala”! Can you beat that???
The US senate has approved a $ 700 bn “bail out” package to reform the situation. Interestingly after the bail-out package was announced, the Indian markets have seen a continuous fall. I was thinking very hard why this happened, and I got an answer today. Let me explain how.
The US senate has named the reform as “Bail-out” plan. India’s national language is Hindi, and in Hindi “Bail” means “Bull” (as in “Bail Gadi” which means bullock cart”). Everyone wants the bears to disappear from the market and the Bulls to come in. But unfortunately, this package is called “Bail-OUT”! So people thought that the Bulls will go out and the bears will rule… The package was named in direct contrast to the market sentiments. That’s why I am weary of the Republicans. They have someone called “Sarah Palin”, they could have very well named the reform in similar line, something like “Sarah Bail-in”, which in Hindi would have translated to “All the bulls in”! This would have taken the sensex skyward!
Whatever, the financial meltdown has frozen the economies of many countries! Financial experts in India say that we are well “Insulated”. I would kind of believe them. The logic being credit / debit cards have replaced paper money. Since cards are made of plastic and plastic is an insulator, our economy must be definitely well insulated! So guys… do not worry about the IS-LM curves! Invest as much as you want. NDTV profit says that a long term investor has no reasons to worry. But how short a “long term” is something that no one explains clearly to me. In the very long run, the survival rate of everyone drops to Zero! Short term & long term is relative. Therefore live life at your own terms! Get your salaries, spend it all and enjoy life happily. All you single people out there, if you don’t know how to spend your salary then it is about time you get married!
The story we are talking here is credibility, or rather the lack of it. I mean, it is an “in-credible” story! It all started with the sub-prime lending issue. Let me tell you how sub-prime lending leads to bankruptcy. Well to begin with, anything which is sub-PRIME is not composite and COMPOSITE is manure, therefore anything sub-prime is not MANURE. Anything which has no manure is not fertile. Anything which is not FERTILE is not amenable for growth. Where there is no GROWTH there is no opportunity. Lack of OPPORTUNITY implies lack of cash inflow. When you give away loans and don’t have subsequent cash inflow, you will be broke! You don’t need to be an Amartya Sen to figure this out. Even Riya Sen, Raima Sen or Konkana Sen will be able to tell this. (Now I understand why in America they call it a SENate!)
Reports say that, at one point in time people were given loans to repay their loans! Think about it, banks giving loans under the guarantee that individuals will be given loans to repay their loans. Interestingly, the banks which give them this loan to repay their loans, think that there will be some other bank which will give the individual a loan to repay this loan which was given to repay their initial loan! This becomes a vicious cycle and finally the CEOs of the banks are now going in a cycle (instead of their Mercs)! The way US banks operated was in summary encapsulated by this statement of a CEO who, in one of the interviews when he came to India, said that his favourite Indian destination was “Lo(a)navala”! Can you beat that???
The US senate has approved a $ 700 bn “bail out” package to reform the situation. Interestingly after the bail-out package was announced, the Indian markets have seen a continuous fall. I was thinking very hard why this happened, and I got an answer today. Let me explain how.
The US senate has named the reform as “Bail-out” plan. India’s national language is Hindi, and in Hindi “Bail” means “Bull” (as in “Bail Gadi” which means bullock cart”). Everyone wants the bears to disappear from the market and the Bulls to come in. But unfortunately, this package is called “Bail-OUT”! So people thought that the Bulls will go out and the bears will rule… The package was named in direct contrast to the market sentiments. That’s why I am weary of the Republicans. They have someone called “Sarah Palin”, they could have very well named the reform in similar line, something like “Sarah Bail-in”, which in Hindi would have translated to “All the bulls in”! This would have taken the sensex skyward!
Whatever, the financial meltdown has frozen the economies of many countries! Financial experts in India say that we are well “Insulated”. I would kind of believe them. The logic being credit / debit cards have replaced paper money. Since cards are made of plastic and plastic is an insulator, our economy must be definitely well insulated! So guys… do not worry about the IS-LM curves! Invest as much as you want. NDTV profit says that a long term investor has no reasons to worry. But how short a “long term” is something that no one explains clearly to me. In the very long run, the survival rate of everyone drops to Zero! Short term & long term is relative. Therefore live life at your own terms! Get your salaries, spend it all and enjoy life happily. All you single people out there, if you don’t know how to spend your salary then it is about time you get married!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
TRP - Traumatic Rating Points!
I thought TRP is a scale which measures the viewership base for specific programmes on air. But after seeing the Indian regional channels, it is nothing but a measure of the Indian publics’ ability to handle trauma! The past few weeks I have been trying to follow what each category of programmes in various channels has in store for an average viewer. The result is utter shock and disbelief. Let us examine them one category after the other, so that we can get a grasp of things.
Mega Serials
The duration of a normal mega serial is twice the average life span of a human being! You can count upto infinity with ease, but you cannot count the number of episodes of these mega serials! This being the fact, the craze for this category of programmes is literally unimaginable.
I have seen cases where people pray to live a bit longer to see the end of a serial. But little do these people know that, it is in fact, the turning points in these serials which cause sudden death of people… These serials have consumed more than one life with their absurd plots… I mean, these are SERIAL killers!
Mega Serials
The duration of a normal mega serial is twice the average life span of a human being! You can count upto infinity with ease, but you cannot count the number of episodes of these mega serials! This being the fact, the craze for this category of programmes is literally unimaginable.
I have seen cases where people pray to live a bit longer to see the end of a serial. But little do these people know that, it is in fact, the turning points in these serials which cause sudden death of people… These serials have consumed more than one life with their absurd plots… I mean, these are SERIAL killers!
I would like to recall a certain tamil mega serial where the hero-ine was in the process of alighting a flight of stairs and was thinking what to sacrifice next for the sake of her family. You would not believe... not less than 15 episodes passed by before she successfully climbed the entire flight of stairs. This then became a famous CAT problem:
In a particular mega serial, “Kahani Dar Dar Ki", The hero-ine climbs a flight of stairs as she thinks about her husband and her cruel in-laws. Each episode she climbs up 3 steps and climbs down 2. The staircase sequence forms 83.243 per cent of the entire story of the serial. If the director intends to stretch the serial for 100234587 episodes, how many steps should there be in the flight of stairs?
In my opinion mega serials are bad, and the worst of its kind can be seen in Sony TV. I think the syllables of the name of this TV should be slightly interchanged… Instead of “Sony TV” it should be named “No See TV”! And “Star Plus” is really a “Minus” to the array of channels from Star TV network. The latest addition to this band of boring channels, with new serials like "veeranwali, Dahej, Neelanjana and Rasame Rasoi", is 9X! Anyways, I feel that, any day one third of this channel is a much better watch (1/3 of 9X!)
Hindi News Channels
Breaking News:
· Ek Suhaag raat mein Teen log… Ladki ke hui bahut na insaafi!
· Shaadi ke baad Sanju baba pehentha hai Jockey. Chali Manyatha ki magic. Ab VIP ko kya hoga!
· Ramgopal Varma ki ”Aag” dhekh khar, Logon ne Dhilli ki Theatre mein lagi Aag!
These are the kind of ‘Breaking News’ that you can see daily in our Hindi news channels. Wonder why are these BREAKING NEWS? After in-depth analysis, I have found out the answer. They are heart- BREAKING to see as a news item. That is why they are called BREAKING News!
I don’t want to elaborate any further on this Farce!
Stand up Comedy Shows
Star One started this genre of programmes and the other channels have caught up fast. In India stupidity spreads like an epidemic!
It all began with “The Great Indian Laughter Challenge”… True to its name, it challenges you to laugh! I mean… “Laugh-at-this- if-you-can types”! Now the same channel has started the “The Funjabi… Chak De”, where the level of insanity and childishness is immeasurable. It is crazy how can people take money to laugh. These shows thrive just because of a glamorous judge and an exposing compere!
NDTV Imagine
This channel is heights! There is this fat lady who comes once every half an hour in the pretext of teaching dance moves. She herself, well past her prime, must be weighing not less than 95 Kgs (She must have gained all the weight that Adnan Sami has lost!).
If you thought that the way she teaches dancing is the most irritating sights…. You are mistaken. Wait for her to dance, and your opinion will change instantaneously! All in all, NDTV Imagine is Unimaginable!
Advertisements
The creativity levels of Indian Ad makers have gone sky high that it is nowhere to be seen! Though I must agree that some ads are really funny and catchy, some of them really produce a “Negative top of the mind recall”! Let us see some of them…
Ads for Loans and Financial Advisory Services
With the kind of rapport it struck with me… I am extremely doubtful whether these ads can make any impact on the bottom line of the company.
There is this ad where a couple dress up like in Switzerland and take photographs in a studio. The caption says, “If you have a personal desire to travel, we have personal loans to help you”. Who will help me repay it?????
And there is another ad where a young girl buys a Jean which is torn at all wrong places and her mother repairs it. If I were the mother, I would repair my daughter rather than the jean!
There is yet another ad where there is a lawyer who reads out the will of a dead man which ultimately says, who should pay which bill… I mean..er… it is more of a BILL than a WILL!
Sprite
This ad has portrayed a guy who is honestly disloyal (Paradox!). This guy, with a straight face tells that he is scr*wing around with more than one girl! If they come to know, he will be called a CHEATERC*CK, literally... . and beaten so badly that he cannot scr*w anyone else in life!
Nokia + Airtel
This ad probably tried to touch the emotional Chord. It indeed made me emotional… and violent! The ad says, “Jab Nokia aur Airtel ek saath ho, phir garv se bolo… Hello”.
Mere pass LG phone ke saath Reliance connection hai… Mujhe “Hello” bolne mein sharam aani chahiye kya?????
Too much! ;-)
So people… if at all you have free time and want to watch TV, think twice. You are much better of counting from 2500. That is a much better time pass!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Airport!
No... This has got nothing to do with the Arthur Hailey Novel!
I recently had the opportunity to travel by air…. From Jabalpur ! Yeah, that’s right. And you never know your luck… anyone might be required to do it anytime in their lives. Hence I thought of giving you guys an idea (a few DO's and DONT's) about the whole thing so that you know what to expect if you have to take the same risk that I did in the future!
The Place
The airport is a comfortable 2 BHK built over an area of 1200 Sq. Ft (unfurnished though!). One room for arrival and One room for departure both with attached bathrooms.
Timing
Discipline and punctuality are two pillars over which this airport thrives on! It opens sharp at 8 AM and closes not a minute before 10 AM! Make sure that you go on time and board the flight. A minute this side or that side and you may find yourself alone on the runway.
The Men
We HRs… we just cant divert our attention from manpower! There are totally two people who man the airport. Quite efficient and experienced, I must say! One person takes care of luggage handling and the other person takes care of man handling (I mean…Taking care of the passengers).
Baggage
As I mentioned earlier, one person is totally dedicated for luggage handling out of the two available staff. This person promptly completes the baggage screening formalities (By opening your luggage and scanning it thoroughly! Work cannot stop on the pretext of lack of infrastructure! You may not have a X-ray scanner but you still HAVE TO do the baggage screening). After the baggage screening process he puts it on the conveyor belt and runs along its length himself to collect the luggage on the other side and deposits into a truck which he later drives to the aircraft. The efficiency of the ground staff is generally good… But it is better to check your luggage once you have boarded the aircraft even though you have checked them in earlier (It is always good to double check!).
If you are lucky you might sometimes get a porter! DO NOT pay more than 20 bucks for carrying your luggage till your seat… He might argue that seat no. 15C is quite far… But remember, the back door of the aircraft is also operational and it is an ATR flight which hardly has 3 steps to climb!
Runway
This is something really important. The runway! It is sufficiently large for an ATR. To give a comparison, it stretches a length of 300 meters! But the adept handling of the pilot makes the runway look very long as he takes a U-Turn during the process of landing and take-off thereby effectively doubling the runway length!
In the flight!
At this juncture, I want to give you two important tips…
First of all, make sure you don’t see any horror movies the day before you travel. You might feel lonely and extremely scared in the flight!
Take your own bottle of water… DO NOT search for an air-hostess…. She is not there! In case of an emergency, there are 4 cans of water. 2 located near the wings, 1 at the back and 1 at the front! The reading lights on top of each panel will help you locate the nearest can!
Transit Passengers
In case you are a domestic transit passenger, don’t worry… The airport authorities have arranged for bullock cart service from terminal 1A to the bus / Railway station! Customer orientation has never been an issue here… I was told!
So guys… Now you know how to prepare yourself for an air travel from / to Jabalpur ! In future if you guys have to travel to this place, don’t be afraid…. You cannot be risk averse… always!
I recently had the opportunity to travel by air…. From Jabalpur ! Yeah, that’s right. And you never know your luck… anyone might be required to do it anytime in their lives. Hence I thought of giving you guys an idea (a few DO's and DONT's) about the whole thing so that you know what to expect if you have to take the same risk that I did in the future!
The Place
The airport is a comfortable 2 BHK built over an area of 1200 Sq. Ft (unfurnished though!). One room for arrival and One room for departure both with attached bathrooms.
Timing
Discipline and punctuality are two pillars over which this airport thrives on! It opens sharp at 8 AM and closes not a minute before 10 AM! Make sure that you go on time and board the flight. A minute this side or that side and you may find yourself alone on the runway.
The Men
We HRs… we just cant divert our attention from manpower! There are totally two people who man the airport. Quite efficient and experienced, I must say! One person takes care of luggage handling and the other person takes care of man handling (I mean…Taking care of the passengers).
Baggage
As I mentioned earlier, one person is totally dedicated for luggage handling out of the two available staff. This person promptly completes the baggage screening formalities (By opening your luggage and scanning it thoroughly! Work cannot stop on the pretext of lack of infrastructure! You may not have a X-ray scanner but you still HAVE TO do the baggage screening). After the baggage screening process he puts it on the conveyor belt and runs along its length himself to collect the luggage on the other side and deposits into a truck which he later drives to the aircraft. The efficiency of the ground staff is generally good… But it is better to check your luggage once you have boarded the aircraft even though you have checked them in earlier (It is always good to double check!).
If you are lucky you might sometimes get a porter! DO NOT pay more than 20 bucks for carrying your luggage till your seat… He might argue that seat no. 15C is quite far… But remember, the back door of the aircraft is also operational and it is an ATR flight which hardly has 3 steps to climb!
Runway
This is something really important. The runway! It is sufficiently large for an ATR. To give a comparison, it stretches a length of 300 meters! But the adept handling of the pilot makes the runway look very long as he takes a U-Turn during the process of landing and take-off thereby effectively doubling the runway length!
In the flight!
At this juncture, I want to give you two important tips…
First of all, make sure you don’t see any horror movies the day before you travel. You might feel lonely and extremely scared in the flight!
Take your own bottle of water… DO NOT search for an air-hostess…. She is not there! In case of an emergency, there are 4 cans of water. 2 located near the wings, 1 at the back and 1 at the front! The reading lights on top of each panel will help you locate the nearest can!
Transit Passengers
In case you are a domestic transit passenger, don’t worry… The airport authorities have arranged for bullock cart service from terminal 1A to the bus / Railway station! Customer orientation has never been an issue here… I was told!
So guys… Now you know how to prepare yourself for an air travel from / to Jabalpur ! In future if you guys have to travel to this place, don’t be afraid…. You cannot be risk averse… always!
The Jabalpur Test Match
Cricket in any form is interesting. But test cricket is something which has a lot of latent learning potential in it. You can draw a lot of inspiration from it and survive in tough conditions. I thought it would be a real good comparison between our profession and in fact our life with Test Cricket! But how to compare? We need a comparator… Don’t you worry; Jabalpur is the one medicine for all sickness!
Nine months in Jabalpur, and you would be surprised to know that test cricket is one thing that keeps me going. So let us try to draw analogy between our jobs and test cricket taking the specific example of Jabalpur and then generalizing it! In mathematics we call this methodology “Principle of Mathematical Induction”!
The Toss
It all starts with the toss. For me, this was similar to exercising my option on the preference of location. “Bangalore” was the call, but “Jabalpur” it was! You cant help it. Toss is a matter of luck. You win some, you lose some. Yeah, you are a bit disgruntled. But you can’t change teams (read “organization”) because you lost the toss. Especially if it is your debut match (read “First Job”). You may be perceived as unprofessional in the industry! You may lose the toss irrespective of the team you are in. The situation worsens if you are asked to open when you are not a specialist in that position. Tough conditions, pumped up opposition, fiery pace bowling… and a lot of sledging! But a better option would be to stick around in the hard conditions, prove your worth and then knock the doors of the “team management” to get the spot you want (read “location / practice / role”)!
Drinks Break
Working causes frustration! That is why drinking is necessary. A drinks break comes once in 15 overs, so take at least drink once in 15 days! It helps you reduce the frustration. That is why people STACK liquor. Once you STACK liquor it initiates a LIFO process (Liquor In Frustration Out!).
Play it session-wise
A test match is not played in one day… A career is not decided in one stint! You have to play it session by session. That too in a career that is going to span for two and a half decades! You might be initially on the back foot in one session. Agreed. You may have lost the session, but you haven’t lost the match. I thought that Jabalpur is like a test match. You have to play it session by session, occupy the crease, and grind the opposition…. All you are looking for is survival. According to me, this applies universally. All one has to do is fight hard for survival, because the longer you survive the more experienced you get and the more you perform. The more you perform, the greater is the respect you earn. By doing the above, as the commentators say often, “You put a price tag on your wicket”! The more experienced you are, the greater is the price on that tag! In other words, people pay you more for a shift later!
Negotiate the New-ball… Cautiously
A new ball is analogous to a new issue. Negotiate it carefully. If you play at it immediately you may fall for it. Remember, there are 3 slips lurking behind your back to catch you at the slightest of the opportunity!
Watch the ball (Issue) carefully. Study it. Play it as little as possible. Let it go to their own keeper. It will come back to you again for sure! Adopt the waiting tactic. Once you understand the issue completely and the ball (issue) is old, you can handle it with greater ease!
The opposition wants you to play an issue when it is in its nascent stage… Don’t!
Playing with the tail
Steve Waugh, Lara, Laxman, Misbah…. Heard these names somewhere? Yeah, they have rescued their teams with an incompetent person batting on the other end. And that is why they are respected! Many times you may find yourself in a similar position. I must thank god that I had great people to work with so far. But batting with the tail pushes you hard. You convert the 1s into 2s and the 3s into 4s! Don’t crib if you have to work with an incompetent person, they are pushing you to greater heights. Moreover competence is a subject matter of the field we are talking about. The tail is supposed to bowl, not bat. If they are on the field batting with you, then it is due to the mistake of the previous batsmen. Those people have a specific role to play and they are much better than many of us in that particular role! Working with incompetent people has a lot of learning in it! I am not trying to justify incompetence, I am trying to look at its positives.
Tea
If you are working as an internal HR in a PSU or you are consulting for a Govt. sector client you need lot of tea breaks! Lot of networking happens over chai and the level of rapport you build through this process is unbelievable. So my sincere advice, drink a lot of chai… chai is next only to whisky when it comes to blending with the client!
2nd Innings
Everyone makes mistakes. So what? Test cricket always gives you a second chance. So does life and career. And one can shine, if only he / she is ready to learn from the mistakes and avoid them!
Patience & Perseverance
Patience is a virtue! There is no doctor who can help a person who lacks patients... Oh sorry… patience! We have to develop it ourselves. Test cricket teaches you that you cannot expect a wicket every ball. One has to be patient and persevere with the line of attack. Eventually you will achieve your objective. That is why it is called “line and length”. Stick to the line of thinking and strive hard, the objectives will be achieved over a length of time!
Declaration
Having said all the above, it is good to adopt the above strategies to balance out the interests of the firm and the individual. But it doesn’t mean that one has to be meek and submissive. If you think you have had enough, you need to declare.
There is no lack of opportunity and you can always explore. There are readily available formats of resume on the internet. All you need to do is a ctrl C, ctrl V. Microsoft did not keep this as the short cut for copy-paste without any reason. Copy – Paste is done widely to prepare a resume… That is why ctrl C – ctrl V contains CV in it. Use it and prepare as many CVs as you want!
But remember, you declare when you think you have had enough and when you are in a very strong position. Ensure that before going for this extreme step!
Moral of the Story
If you are facing a tough situation in life, just look up to test cricket for inspiration to wriggle out of it. As they say quite rightly, Test Cricket separates the Men from the Boys. But I would add to that statement, “It also separates the Women from the Girls”!
Nine months in Jabalpur, and you would be surprised to know that test cricket is one thing that keeps me going. So let us try to draw analogy between our jobs and test cricket taking the specific example of Jabalpur and then generalizing it! In mathematics we call this methodology “Principle of Mathematical Induction”!
The Toss
It all starts with the toss. For me, this was similar to exercising my option on the preference of location. “Bangalore” was the call, but “Jabalpur” it was! You cant help it. Toss is a matter of luck. You win some, you lose some. Yeah, you are a bit disgruntled. But you can’t change teams (read “organization”) because you lost the toss. Especially if it is your debut match (read “First Job”). You may be perceived as unprofessional in the industry! You may lose the toss irrespective of the team you are in. The situation worsens if you are asked to open when you are not a specialist in that position. Tough conditions, pumped up opposition, fiery pace bowling… and a lot of sledging! But a better option would be to stick around in the hard conditions, prove your worth and then knock the doors of the “team management” to get the spot you want (read “location / practice / role”)!
Drinks Break
Working causes frustration! That is why drinking is necessary. A drinks break comes once in 15 overs, so take at least drink once in 15 days! It helps you reduce the frustration. That is why people STACK liquor. Once you STACK liquor it initiates a LIFO process (Liquor In Frustration Out!).
Play it session-wise
A test match is not played in one day… A career is not decided in one stint! You have to play it session by session. That too in a career that is going to span for two and a half decades! You might be initially on the back foot in one session. Agreed. You may have lost the session, but you haven’t lost the match. I thought that Jabalpur is like a test match. You have to play it session by session, occupy the crease, and grind the opposition…. All you are looking for is survival. According to me, this applies universally. All one has to do is fight hard for survival, because the longer you survive the more experienced you get and the more you perform. The more you perform, the greater is the respect you earn. By doing the above, as the commentators say often, “You put a price tag on your wicket”! The more experienced you are, the greater is the price on that tag! In other words, people pay you more for a shift later!
Negotiate the New-ball… Cautiously
A new ball is analogous to a new issue. Negotiate it carefully. If you play at it immediately you may fall for it. Remember, there are 3 slips lurking behind your back to catch you at the slightest of the opportunity!
Watch the ball (Issue) carefully. Study it. Play it as little as possible. Let it go to their own keeper. It will come back to you again for sure! Adopt the waiting tactic. Once you understand the issue completely and the ball (issue) is old, you can handle it with greater ease!
The opposition wants you to play an issue when it is in its nascent stage… Don’t!
Playing with the tail
Steve Waugh, Lara, Laxman, Misbah…. Heard these names somewhere? Yeah, they have rescued their teams with an incompetent person batting on the other end. And that is why they are respected! Many times you may find yourself in a similar position. I must thank god that I had great people to work with so far. But batting with the tail pushes you hard. You convert the 1s into 2s and the 3s into 4s! Don’t crib if you have to work with an incompetent person, they are pushing you to greater heights. Moreover competence is a subject matter of the field we are talking about. The tail is supposed to bowl, not bat. If they are on the field batting with you, then it is due to the mistake of the previous batsmen. Those people have a specific role to play and they are much better than many of us in that particular role! Working with incompetent people has a lot of learning in it! I am not trying to justify incompetence, I am trying to look at its positives.
Tea
If you are working as an internal HR in a PSU or you are consulting for a Govt. sector client you need lot of tea breaks! Lot of networking happens over chai and the level of rapport you build through this process is unbelievable. So my sincere advice, drink a lot of chai… chai is next only to whisky when it comes to blending with the client!
2nd Innings
Everyone makes mistakes. So what? Test cricket always gives you a second chance. So does life and career. And one can shine, if only he / she is ready to learn from the mistakes and avoid them!
Patience & Perseverance
Patience is a virtue! There is no doctor who can help a person who lacks patients... Oh sorry… patience! We have to develop it ourselves. Test cricket teaches you that you cannot expect a wicket every ball. One has to be patient and persevere with the line of attack. Eventually you will achieve your objective. That is why it is called “line and length”. Stick to the line of thinking and strive hard, the objectives will be achieved over a length of time!
Declaration
Having said all the above, it is good to adopt the above strategies to balance out the interests of the firm and the individual. But it doesn’t mean that one has to be meek and submissive. If you think you have had enough, you need to declare.
There is no lack of opportunity and you can always explore. There are readily available formats of resume on the internet. All you need to do is a ctrl C, ctrl V. Microsoft did not keep this as the short cut for copy-paste without any reason. Copy – Paste is done widely to prepare a resume… That is why ctrl C – ctrl V contains CV in it. Use it and prepare as many CVs as you want!
But remember, you declare when you think you have had enough and when you are in a very strong position. Ensure that before going for this extreme step!
Moral of the Story
If you are facing a tough situation in life, just look up to test cricket for inspiration to wriggle out of it. As they say quite rightly, Test Cricket separates the Men from the Boys. But I would add to that statement, “It also separates the Women from the Girls”!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
IF
Disclaimer: Whatever is written here is plain and simple mindless stuff. Not to hurt anyone; The intention is just to have fun!
If you can keep your head count when all about you
Are losing theirs and try poaching on you;
If you can enjoy yourself when all other men curse you,
But make allowance for their cursing too;
If you can talk global and not be tired of gassing,
Or, implement Balanced Score Card, and create imbalance,
Or, suffocate, and don't give way to self-suffocation,
And yet talk too good, and sound too wise;
If you can recruit - and not make the recruits your master;
If you can train - and not make learning your aim;
If you can meet with your boss and subordinate
And treat those two just the same as strangers;
If you can bear to hear the Pre-Placement Talks you've spoken
Twisted & turned to make a trap for the innocent,
Or watch the Assessment Center Reports you gave your life to be shredded,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your deliverables
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and happily grin at the poor guy who takes them all home
And never breath a word about it to your boss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "I am designing your Performance Appraisal System";
If you can talk with crowds and network big time,
Or walk with kings – in the pretext of 360 degree feedback;
If neither foes nor loving friends can correct you;
If all men crib with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distant run (away from the problem) -
Yours is the Firm and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a HR my son!
- Goodyard Toppling!
If you can keep your head count when all about you
Are losing theirs and try poaching on you;
If you can enjoy yourself when all other men curse you,
But make allowance for their cursing too;
If you can talk global and not be tired of gassing,
Or, implement Balanced Score Card, and create imbalance,
Or, suffocate, and don't give way to self-suffocation,
And yet talk too good, and sound too wise;
If you can recruit - and not make the recruits your master;
If you can train - and not make learning your aim;
If you can meet with your boss and subordinate
And treat those two just the same as strangers;
If you can bear to hear the Pre-Placement Talks you've spoken
Twisted & turned to make a trap for the innocent,
Or watch the Assessment Center Reports you gave your life to be shredded,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your deliverables
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and happily grin at the poor guy who takes them all home
And never breath a word about it to your boss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "I am designing your Performance Appraisal System";
If you can talk with crowds and network big time,
Or walk with kings – in the pretext of 360 degree feedback;
If neither foes nor loving friends can correct you;
If all men crib with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distant run (away from the problem) -
Yours is the Firm and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a HR my son!
- Goodyard Toppling!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Age Old Profession of HR!
A few days back I was having a casual chat with one of my graduation friend. While we were talking, the unavoidable topic of work came up! He started cribbing about how his work life was becoming sick because of useless HR policies and how HR processes are totally immature in India. I was patiently listening.
But I lost it completely when he made a particular comment! He said that the profession of HR lacks depth. We HRs… We can admit amongst ourselves in private that what we are doing is bullshit! But in front of others, we fight tooth & nail that HR is the next big thing in India (Only god knows what the previous big thing was!)
One can in fact very easily say that HR is one of the oldest professions in the country. And let us see how the HR processes in India were extremely matured even during the times of Ramayan!
D.A.S.R.A.T (Demand And Supply Reconciliation Analysis Tool)
This tool was the king of all tools! It was used for analyzing demand as compared to the supply available in the labour market. DASRAT consists of four home grown modules which provided assistance in carrying out the necessary analysis. They are Ram, Lakshman, Barad and Shatrugun.
B.A.R.A.D (Backend Assistance to Recruitment And Deployement)
BARAD gave the required support to induct and deploy the resources recruited by DASRAT. It comes as the second activity in the value chain of recruitment and internalization.
R.A.M (Retention Augmentation Module)
The objective of this module was to decrease attrition and improve the retention rate in Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. This was the potential successor to DASRAT. But since BARAD is activated before RAM when it comes to Employee Engagement, RAM was forced to relinquish the claim on the post of DASRAT and was redeployed to a forest to control the alarming attrition rate.
This redeployment of RAM made DASRAT very weak, since RAM gives a lot of critical inputs to DASRAT. But little did DASRAT know that all of this was due to a curse incurred by it due to excessive and relentless poaching in the early days of its commissioning.
S.E.E.T.A (Satisfaction, Employee Engagement & Training Administrator)
This sub-module initiates the Employee satisfaction survey and oversees the Training needs of the employees. SEETA and RAM are strategically married to each other! And quite rightly so, because Employee Satisfaction ensures that retention rate is increased.
LAKSHMAN (Learning And Knowledge SHaring MANager)
Any organization needs a dedicated learning and development department to differentiate itself in terms of the quality of people. At least we HRs claim so! LAKSHMAN was a dedicated L&D module. In the sense it was extremely dedicated to RAM and SEETA there by helping the overall cause of retention. During times of distress, LAKSHMAN generates a REKHA called LAKSHMAN REKHA (Line of Lakshman). This LINE of LAKSHMAN made people believe that HR is a LINE function and not a STAFF function! This line helps in stopping people from going from one side to other there by nullifying the attempts of poaching by external entities.
R.A.V.A.N (Retrenchment Actuator and Vigorous Attrition Negotiator)
This is a malicious module. It installs itself into your organization and immediately starts the process of poaching. It is the chief module of Sri LANCA (Lucrative and Nice Compensation Advisor).
The biggest setback that RAVAN produced was when it poached SEETA from RAM and created a huge Chaos in Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. And that too SEETA was managing the most important function of Training.
If you have been a trained poacher you can poach, but if you have been poached of a trainer you can never train!
Hence RAM and LAKSHMAN had to reacquire SEETA, for this they sought the help of some outsourced external agencies. Let me explain who they were.
S.U.G.R.I.E.V.A(NCE)
As the name suggests, it is an automated grievance resolution module. Organizations generally deploy it to determine the level of grievance brewing in it and to effectively handle them. This made the life of RAM and LAKSHMAN much better by assisting them in their (head) hunt for SEETA!
V.A.L.I (Vicarious Asset & Liability Indicator)
Since RAM had contracted out the job of searching for SEETA to other agencies, the knowledge of Contract Labour Regulation and Abolitions Act assumed greater importance during this period. VALI tried to keep reminding RAM about the vicarious liabilities as a principal employer by keeping SUGRIEVA & company on contract basis. This led to an ego tussle between VALI & SUGRIEVA leading RAM to deactivate VALI. It was a tough decision, and hence RAM had to remotely deactivate VALI from behind a (decision) tree!
JDaayu
This is the automatic JD generator. All RAM had to do was give the name of the job and J’Daayu was programmed to make 100 JDs within 10 nano seconds! This would have been a dream tool for us HR consultants!
H.A.N.U.M.A.N (Human Ability NUrturer & Manpower ANalyer)
Organizations are filled with people who just cannot take that giant “leap”? All that was done during those days was to activate HANUMAN. This module nurtured the talent available within the organization and helped in analyzing the needs and requirements of the same. The beauty with HANUMAN was that it did not know its own potential! All in all, this module totally revered RAM and would jump that extra yard to get things for Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. It got SEETA back from RAVAN for RAM.
In short, it helps in poaching back from the poacher and returns the poached to its rightful owner. Hence this can make the poacher the poached and redeem the pride of the poached by making it a poacher!
This, my dear friends, summarizes in a nutshell how age old our HR processes dates back to! So, listen not to anyone who bad mouths it, for we are doing a service to mankind which no sane person might even think of doing.
If someone tells that HR profession has no depth, do not hold yourself. Just give it back to them. Because we have sunk in it and we know how inescapably deep it is!
But I lost it completely when he made a particular comment! He said that the profession of HR lacks depth. We HRs… We can admit amongst ourselves in private that what we are doing is bullshit! But in front of others, we fight tooth & nail that HR is the next big thing in India (Only god knows what the previous big thing was!)
One can in fact very easily say that HR is one of the oldest professions in the country. And let us see how the HR processes in India were extremely matured even during the times of Ramayan!
D.A.S.R.A.T (Demand And Supply Reconciliation Analysis Tool)
This tool was the king of all tools! It was used for analyzing demand as compared to the supply available in the labour market. DASRAT consists of four home grown modules which provided assistance in carrying out the necessary analysis. They are Ram, Lakshman, Barad and Shatrugun.
B.A.R.A.D (Backend Assistance to Recruitment And Deployement)
BARAD gave the required support to induct and deploy the resources recruited by DASRAT. It comes as the second activity in the value chain of recruitment and internalization.
R.A.M (Retention Augmentation Module)
The objective of this module was to decrease attrition and improve the retention rate in Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. This was the potential successor to DASRAT. But since BARAD is activated before RAM when it comes to Employee Engagement, RAM was forced to relinquish the claim on the post of DASRAT and was redeployed to a forest to control the alarming attrition rate.
This redeployment of RAM made DASRAT very weak, since RAM gives a lot of critical inputs to DASRAT. But little did DASRAT know that all of this was due to a curse incurred by it due to excessive and relentless poaching in the early days of its commissioning.
S.E.E.T.A (Satisfaction, Employee Engagement & Training Administrator)
This sub-module initiates the Employee satisfaction survey and oversees the Training needs of the employees. SEETA and RAM are strategically married to each other! And quite rightly so, because Employee Satisfaction ensures that retention rate is increased.
LAKSHMAN (Learning And Knowledge SHaring MANager)
Any organization needs a dedicated learning and development department to differentiate itself in terms of the quality of people. At least we HRs claim so! LAKSHMAN was a dedicated L&D module. In the sense it was extremely dedicated to RAM and SEETA there by helping the overall cause of retention. During times of distress, LAKSHMAN generates a REKHA called LAKSHMAN REKHA (Line of Lakshman). This LINE of LAKSHMAN made people believe that HR is a LINE function and not a STAFF function! This line helps in stopping people from going from one side to other there by nullifying the attempts of poaching by external entities.
R.A.V.A.N (Retrenchment Actuator and Vigorous Attrition Negotiator)
This is a malicious module. It installs itself into your organization and immediately starts the process of poaching. It is the chief module of Sri LANCA (Lucrative and Nice Compensation Advisor).
The biggest setback that RAVAN produced was when it poached SEETA from RAM and created a huge Chaos in Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. And that too SEETA was managing the most important function of Training.
If you have been a trained poacher you can poach, but if you have been poached of a trainer you can never train!
Hence RAM and LAKSHMAN had to reacquire SEETA, for this they sought the help of some outsourced external agencies. Let me explain who they were.
S.U.G.R.I.E.V.A(NCE)
As the name suggests, it is an automated grievance resolution module. Organizations generally deploy it to determine the level of grievance brewing in it and to effectively handle them. This made the life of RAM and LAKSHMAN much better by assisting them in their (head) hunt for SEETA!
V.A.L.I (Vicarious Asset & Liability Indicator)
Since RAM had contracted out the job of searching for SEETA to other agencies, the knowledge of Contract Labour Regulation and Abolitions Act assumed greater importance during this period. VALI tried to keep reminding RAM about the vicarious liabilities as a principal employer by keeping SUGRIEVA & company on contract basis. This led to an ego tussle between VALI & SUGRIEVA leading RAM to deactivate VALI. It was a tough decision, and hence RAM had to remotely deactivate VALI from behind a (decision) tree!
JDaayu
This is the automatic JD generator. All RAM had to do was give the name of the job and J’Daayu was programmed to make 100 JDs within 10 nano seconds! This would have been a dream tool for us HR consultants!
H.A.N.U.M.A.N (Human Ability NUrturer & Manpower ANalyer)
Organizations are filled with people who just cannot take that giant “leap”? All that was done during those days was to activate HANUMAN. This module nurtured the talent available within the organization and helped in analyzing the needs and requirements of the same. The beauty with HANUMAN was that it did not know its own potential! All in all, this module totally revered RAM and would jump that extra yard to get things for Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. It got SEETA back from RAVAN for RAM.
In short, it helps in poaching back from the poacher and returns the poached to its rightful owner. Hence this can make the poacher the poached and redeem the pride of the poached by making it a poacher!
This, my dear friends, summarizes in a nutshell how age old our HR processes dates back to! So, listen not to anyone who bad mouths it, for we are doing a service to mankind which no sane person might even think of doing.
If someone tells that HR profession has no depth, do not hold yourself. Just give it back to them. Because we have sunk in it and we know how inescapably deep it is!
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