The Age Old Profession of HR!

A few days back I was having a casual chat with one of my graduation friend. While we were talking, the unavoidable topic of work came up! He started cribbing about how his work life was becoming sick because of useless HR policies and how HR processes are totally immature in India. I was patiently listening.

But I lost it completely when he made a particular comment! He said that the profession of HR lacks depth. We HRs… We can admit amongst ourselves in private that what we are doing is bullshit! But in front of others, we fight tooth & nail that HR is the next big thing in India (Only god knows what the previous big thing was!)

One can in fact very easily say that HR is one of the oldest professions in the country. And let us see how the HR processes in India were extremely matured even during the times of Ramayan!

D.A.S.R.A.T (Demand And Supply Reconciliation Analysis Tool)

This tool was the king of all tools! It was used for analyzing demand as compared to the supply available in the labour market. DASRAT consists of four home grown modules which provided assistance in carrying out the necessary analysis. They are Ram, Lakshman, Barad and Shatrugun.

B.A.R.A.D (Backend Assistance to Recruitment And Deployement)

BARAD gave the required support to induct and deploy the resources recruited by DASRAT. It comes as the second activity in the value chain of recruitment and internalization.

R.A.M (Retention Augmentation Module)

The objective of this module was to decrease attrition and improve the retention rate in Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. This was the potential successor to DASRAT. But since BARAD is activated before RAM when it comes to Employee Engagement, RAM was forced to relinquish the claim on the post of DASRAT and was redeployed to a forest to control the alarming attrition rate.

This redeployment of RAM made DASRAT very weak, since RAM gives a lot of critical inputs to DASRAT. But little did DASRAT know that all of this was due to a curse incurred by it due to excessive and relentless poaching in the early days of its commissioning.

S.E.E.T.A (Satisfaction, Employee Engagement & Training Administrator)

This sub-module initiates the Employee satisfaction survey and oversees the Training needs of the employees. SEETA and RAM are strategically married to each other! And quite rightly so, because Employee Satisfaction ensures that retention rate is increased.

LAKSHMAN (Learning And Knowledge SHaring MANager)

Any organization needs a dedicated learning and development department to differentiate itself in terms of the quality of people. At least we HRs claim so! LAKSHMAN was a dedicated L&D module. In the sense it was extremely dedicated to RAM and SEETA there by helping the overall cause of retention. During times of distress, LAKSHMAN generates a REKHA called LAKSHMAN REKHA (Line of Lakshman). This LINE of LAKSHMAN made people believe that HR is a LINE function and not a STAFF function! This line helps in stopping people from going from one side to other there by nullifying the attempts of poaching by external entities.

R.A.V.A.N (Retrenchment Actuator and Vigorous Attrition Negotiator)

This is a malicious module. It installs itself into your organization and immediately starts the process of poaching. It is the chief module of Sri LANCA (Lucrative and Nice Compensation Advisor).

The biggest setback that RAVAN produced was when it poached SEETA from RAM and created a huge Chaos in Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. And that too SEETA was managing the most important function of Training.

If you have been a trained poacher you can poach, but if you have been poached of a trainer you can never train!

Hence RAM and LAKSHMAN had to reacquire SEETA, for this they sought the help of some outsourced external agencies. Let me explain who they were.

S.U.G.R.I.E.V.A(NCE)

As the name suggests, it is an automated grievance resolution module. Organizations generally deploy it to determine the level of grievance brewing in it and to effectively handle them. This made the life of RAM and LAKSHMAN much better by assisting them in their (head) hunt for SEETA!

V.A.L.I (Vicarious Asset & Liability Indicator)

Since RAM had contracted out the job of searching for SEETA to other agencies, the knowledge of Contract Labour Regulation and Abolitions Act assumed greater importance during this period. VALI tried to keep reminding RAM about the vicarious liabilities as a principal employer by keeping SUGRIEVA & company on contract basis. This led to an ego tussle between VALI & SUGRIEVA leading RAM to deactivate VALI. It was a tough decision, and hence RAM had to remotely deactivate VALI from behind a (decision) tree!

JDaayu

This is the automatic JD generator. All RAM had to do was give the name of the job and J’Daayu was programmed to make 100 JDs within 10 nano seconds! This would have been a dream tool for us HR consultants!

H.A.N.U.M.A.N (Human Ability NUrturer & Manpower ANalyer)

Organizations are filled with people who just cannot take that giant “leap”? All that was done during those days was to activate HANUMAN. This module nurtured the talent available within the organization and helped in analyzing the needs and requirements of the same. The beauty with HANUMAN was that it did not know its own potential! All in all, this module totally revered RAM and would jump that extra yard to get things for Ayodhya Pvt. Ltd. It got SEETA back from RAVAN for RAM.

In short, it helps in poaching back from the poacher and returns the poached to its rightful owner. Hence this can make the poacher the poached and redeem the pride of the poached by making it a poacher!

This, my dear friends, summarizes in a nutshell how age old our HR processes dates back to! So, listen not to anyone who bad mouths it, for we are doing a service to mankind which no sane person might even think of doing.

If someone tells that HR profession has no depth, do not hold yourself. Just give it back to them. Because we have sunk in it and we know how inescapably deep it is!